New York City, Nov. 7 - Carl Kissin won the November installment of the prestigious Manhattan Monologue Slam, a once a month acting competition judged by top New York talent agents and casting directors. He took first place playing a character of Moroccan descent, but was disappointed that no fatwa calling for his death was forthcoming.
“I like to be controversial,” stated Kissin. “Salmon Rushdie writes a few satirical pages and has to go into hiding for several years. What about me? I’m satirical. I could hide. Why isn’t anyone coming after me?”
Informed that a writ demanding his assassination was unlikely given Carl’s previous work emceeing an
interfaith evening aimed at promoting
brotherhood among Muslims, Christians, and Jews, Carl said, “Oh yeah, I forgot I did that. Bummer.”
KISSIN FINISHES SECOND IN NATIONAL MONOLOGUE CHAMPIONSHIP
One judge would not accept bribe!
New York City, Dec. 5 - This was the big night -- the World Series of thespians, the Super Bowl of emoting -- the clash of all the previous monologue slam winners from both New York and L.A.
And Carl Kissin had it all carefully planned out -- a well-rehearsed comedy piece, supportive friends in the audience, and hefty bribes delivered to all the judges.
Unfortunately for Carl, one of the judges would not accept the “special thank you gift.” “That cost me the championship, “said a visibly irritated Carl. “I mean, hello, it’s 2005, the era of Scooter Libby, Jack Abramoff, and a war based on false intelligence -- yet some renegade nut in the acting world has to go display integrity? Sheesh!”
In the context of these solo performance heavy hitters and unaccepted graft, Carl finished in a still impressive second place.
“It’s disturbing," concluded Carl, "and
I don’t know what I’m going to do with the bribe. She doesn’t want to go back to Thailand.”
Manhattan Monologue Slam
If you would like to see Carl compete in the year-end 2005 Championship slam, it will be held at the Bowery Poetry Club on Monday December 5th. Go to the Manhattan Monologue Slam’s website: www.mmslam.com for details.
Told that the monologue slam was simply a fun, unique event with SRO crowds, where every competitor had a fair chance to win, Carl sighed, “That may be, but it’s not exactly the kind of world I’d like my son to grow up in.”
Though calmer heads tried to prevail upon the mythic giver of gifts to not punish the innocent, he had already dipped heavily into the eggnog. Slurring his words and leaning heavily on the reindeer, he issued one final warning before passing out, “I know where you live and I have access to your children. Next time, I win. Capiche?"
SANTA CLAUS IRATE AT MONOLOGUE SLAM OUTCOME
Children Worldwide Fear the Worst
New York City, Jan. 2 - A crowd favorite for reasons both professional and nostalgic, Santa Claus was narrowly edged out for the top spot in the January installment of the Manhattan Monologue Slam.
Asked to comment on his feelings, Jolly Old St. Nick was none too jolly, “I deliver toys to your kids. Their entire emotional well-being rests on my decisions – and you treat me this way? Not smart.”
Santa was jovial before the competition at the presence of a celebrity judge, broadcasting legend Joe Franklin, but afterward turned sour. “You messed with the wrong imaginary being,” said Kringle. “The Easter Bunny might put up second place, but not me. I’m 300 pounds of your worst North Pole nightmare – especially when hyped up on sugar cookies.
News of Santa’s wrath had economic repercussions as Toys R Us stock nosedived and conversely, coal soared in anticipation of its prevalence in next year’s stockings.
Photo by Jason DeBose
TOPLESS CARL IN DAILY NEWS
Achieves Dream of Being Recognized for his Body!
For years Carl performed with Chicago City Limits, New York’s premier improv group – which used to be located directly around the corner from Scores, New York’s premier strip club.
As is the dream of any actor, he yearned to make the leap from the shameful low-paying business of being a thespian to the classy and lucrative art of taking one’s clothes off for money. “Try as I might, I couldn’t break through,” said Carl. “I would look for any excuse to disrobe in a scene, but the business had me type-cast as a funnyman.”
Performing in the Manhattan Monologue Slam, Carl created a character based on the memory-challenged Russell from the movie Memento.
Carl’s semi-autobiographical version is a hapless burger flipper who must use post-its to remind himself to find a girlfriend and get married.
The picture you see here is the one that finally got the sex trade to realize that Carl Kissin was more than just a comedian. Offers have been pouring in -- not only from Scores -- but also from Playgirl, Vivid Video, and bachelorette parties galore.
Said a gratified Carl, “anyone can act Shakespeare, but it all feels degrading until someone yells, ‘show us your tits.’”
It took persistence and a different venue for the abs of dreams to finally make it to the newsstands and from there into the fantasies of women throughout the five boroughs.
